A Message from the Bureau of Decapitation
A short story of ethereal introductions
Welcome, new recruit! It’s been far too long since we’ve had a new member join us. Mostly, we just keep practicing the orientation process to keep us ready for any potential candidates. Well, when we’re not dealing with the nitty gritty of the bureau, of course. I guess we should’ve expected as much, being that we are the Bureau of Decapitation.
I know, I know, it doesn’t sound like the most appealing job having to clean up the wasted of kidnapping and murder victims across the globe. Yet, we take pride in the knowledge that somebody somewhere has to do it, or the humans would be swimming in a sea of bodyless heads. Now, that’s no fun at all.
Sadly, the glory days of decapitation are long behind us. Ever since the fall of France, Rome, and the colonial expansion both East and West, the public’s taste for decapitation has been replaced by hanging, firing squads, and that weak ass so-called “lethal injection.” I mean hell, man, that last one is so ridiculous they don’t even need an ethereal bureau to deal with the clean up. The humans just… bury them. Like, what? Where’s the fun in that, man.
I miss when we had people like Genghis Khan. Oh man, the Mongols; what can’t I praise about the Mongols. My boy Genghis, their all powerful leader, now that was a decapitation legend; absolutely one of a kind. The way he would just hurl hundreds of heads into enemy villages and just wait until the terror and disease would succumb them all. Wow, that’s truly amazing. If you like, once we’ve finished the initiation, I can take you down to the Hall of Decapitators where some of his best works have been immortalized and put on display for our viewing pleasure.
I know what you’re thinking, what people are still decapitating? It’s not like there is absolutely nobody doing it. We don’t have to focus entirely on the history of legends. We’ve still got our religious and political fanatics running around chopping heads off. Oh yeah! There was that one time in the late 90’s when Lars Von Trier released that show The Kingdom. All these crazy ass nympho-MANIACS started taking up the cause and taking heads off bodies living and dead alike. But umm… that time was definitely a more disturbing and… messy period in our history. Kinda wish I hadn’t remembered that.
Anyway, I keep losing my place here. I could keep talking about the Bureau’s history for centuries, considering it goes all the way back to Adam and his sons. Heh, little known Bureau secret, a stone isn’t how Caine was… ABLE to kill his brother. Hahaha, ahhhhh, man. I love that one.
But yes, you’re definitely wondering what this initiation is and with good reason. I mean, we are called the Bureau of Decapitation for Christ’s sake. Oh, and side note, you can find him in the Department of Wood Working if you’re ever interested in a slow and deeply philosophical conversation.
Oh gosh, I keep digressing. Back to the point. We’ve already sharpened the blades and gotten some fresh rope placed on the Guillotine, all we need from you is a name. It could be anyone living or dead, preferably someone you don’t like, and then we can get the process moving ASAP. As long as things go well, and nobody goes running, you’ll be able to join us for happy hour at T.G.I.Flatlines tonight at 7pm.
Anyways, it’s nice to meet you. To the Chamber of Spectacle we go!
