See A Doctor When
It’s eating me from the inside out. The pain is unbearable. Every hour on the hour it explodes from my stomach in all directions. The pills aren’t working, the drinks aren’t working. No matter what I do to fight it, it breaks me to my core over and over again. I’m bent over the toilet, sweat forcing itself out of my pores like molten lava through the cracks of an ever-expanding outer core. My clothes are soaked, I can’t stop it from coming. The pain floods my system, it’s left my stomach and assaulted my bones. Each step slowly shrinks my spine under my own weight. My muscles are cramping, and my legs are weak. They’re slowly fading away at the same pace as my bones. I feel weak, lost, like no matter how hard anyone searched they could never take me out of this endless pit of suffering.
I can’t remember when it all started, what caused it. I run over it in my mind non-stop. This doesn’t make any sense, what could cause so much pain in such a short amount of time. Was it something I ate, drank, smelt, touched or saw? Maybe somebody gave it to me. I wouldn’t be able to tell if it was intentional or not, but imagining the mind of such a torturous being is truly horrifying. To inflict such an immense pain on someone reflects horribly on the psyche of that individual. Maybe it was an accident, but if it wasn’t I can’t figure out why. Maybe it’s my fault, I deserve this. There’s bound to be someone I’ve hurt, something I’ve done that would send me tumbling down this path of pain and suffering. There’s a solid 35 years to look through and find an answer. Why not start in the beginning?
If he holds a grudge, it could be Bo. As kids, we had an aggressively cruel one-sided battle that lasted about two years. I say one-sided because it appears, upon further reflection, that I was singling him out for any kind of bullshit. I think back on our rivalry and I can only see the bad I’ve done. Whether it be the lies that got us both suspended, or the insults that led to his switching schools. Nothing he did springs into mind, but five year old me had a real problem regardless.
I don’t really think he’d hold a grudge like that, he seems happy in life. Every time I check online I can see that I didn’t truly stunt him as an individual, so why would he try to do the same to me? Maybe it was my first girlfriend. I was only 14 and had no idea what I was doing. I said things I shouldn’t have, secrets entrusted in me before anybody else. I broke that trust, I broke the mind that would trust me with the deepest pains of their life only to then tell my best friend who just so happened to be the megaphone of our school. What goes into his ears comes out of his mouth 200 decibels louder.
No, I don’t think it could’ve been her. I hurt her in a way she had never been hurt before, but we’ve spoken since. I’ve apologized and pleaded my case, regardless of the fact that “an inability to filter” isn’t the best excuse, even for a 14 year old. It couldn’t have been her.
It was probably my neighbor. I burnt his tree down two years in a row because he refused to trim any of his bushes or branches. Three trees, all touching my roof and his. I spoke to him about it multiple times, requested that he trim these branches because a fire in either house would almost guarantee the other is set ablaze. He wouldn’t listen. So, I brought out some branch cutters and cut any of the branches above or near our houses and… well, I set it ablaze. It was beautiful, watching the fire rise as the tree crumbled. He didn’t appreciate that I took matters into my own hands, thrice. The second tree burnt down just the same, straight down to the ground with no casualties. But the third… The third fell funny. Maybe I lit it funny, but regardless it fell. This 10 foot tree came crashing down on top of his house, on top of his kitchen. I didn’t know it before this, but apparently he cooks exclusively with propane tanks.
Yeah, that would make me want to retaliate too. As I’m laying here, reflecting back on life as this parasite tears my insides apart and sends them flying out of my mouth, I can’t help but wonder why I’m so impulsive. Why am I even writing this? I could’ve sought help, I could’ve tried to get better, but the idea of thinking about myself and my life was too enticing. I’m being eaten inside out by a force I’ve never seen, but it’s being aided by the mental decay of an awful life realized. I was awful. I am awful. I deserve this.